1 year ago
Monday, August 27, 2007
The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous! ~ Carrie Bradshaw
Another year older... and wiser, I hope. When I was much younger I thought when I grow old I would know who I really am and who I am meant to be. Little did I know then that each part of my life, my birth, my childhood and everything in between are moments meant to happen to make me the person that I am now. Every second, every event, every choice, every word, every move, every feeling is a definition of me.
When I am asked to describe myself, I often fumble at my answer. It's not that I don't know my description but I sometimes hesitate and wonder if the person asking wanted a physical description of myself or who I am as a person. I had noticed that when one is much younger, we define ourselves more on our physical attributes. Is she tall or short? Is she thin or on the chubby side? Does she have long straight hair or short and curly?
I noticed that I have matured when I started to see people as persons with feelings and character. We are often deceived by the physical that we sometimes miss to see the person behind the beautiful face.
I often wondered if I were not a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister or a friend who would I be? These are only roles that I carry out each day and there are so much more that I can do and become depending on what the event calls for.
Of all my roles being a mother is probably the most versatile. I get to play so many characters in a day, sometimes even within minutes. I can become a teacher, a healer, a friend, a playmate, a comforter, a superhero and sometimes a villain, a cook, a storyteller, a fashion consultant, head coach, a tour guide, a shopping guru, the book of knowledge and sometimes a dictionary and much much more.
I love those roles. It's something I want to be good at each day of my life.
I know I am still a work in progress. Each day a new me is born. I hope each one gets better and better and more and more the me that my Lord planned for me to become.
Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
My life revolves around schedules. It helps keep my life on track.
Everyday I map out my plan in my mind. I set a schedule on how my day would start and when it would end. That makes me feel in control of things. My watch is my best friend. Most of the time I could more or less calculate how hectic my day would be. Be it in the office or at home.
It has drawbacks, though. Sometimes even if I'm on vacation I tend to schedule each moment in the hope that I could squeeze in all the things that I wanted to do, sometimes to my hubby's chagrin.
I envy people who live for the moment, they can enjoy their life without worrying what to do next. It's a behaviour I want to change in my life. One day I would love to throw away my planner and "go with the flow" so to speak. I want to do something spontaneous, some spur-of-the-moment activity. I guess I am lucky that hubby is one such person. He helps me go out of my shell and do something unprompted. He patiently coaches me and bears with me when I freak out and want to know what we will be doing next. I know he just wanted me to forget about my worries and enjoy the moment.
I sometimes blame it on my rigid, all-catholic-girls-school upbringing. I remember being raised by the nuns at school, everything must be tidy, no unnecessary laughters, no unnecessary movements, everything has to have purpose or you are just wasting your time, it's where being spontaneous is sometimes misconstrued as promiscuity. We were probably being molded into their likeness. LOL. And believe me a lot of people thought I was "nun-material". Haha!
But really, I long for the day that I could stop to worry about tomorrow and just live for the moment. Enjoy the ride, enjoy the breeze, enjoy the food, enjoy the company and just simply enjoy the moment.
I came across this wonderful post by Gurushabad, it's called Enjoying the Moment, a valuable lesson to be learned here.
Don't let life pass us by...it's meant to be lived.
Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have. - Doris Mortman
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
I was lathering my daughter's hair this morning when all of a sudden she asked me this question, "Mom, how do you know who God is? When you pray to Him, how do you know if He hears you?"
I knew someday I would be asked such a question but I was not really prepared to answer it at 6:30am when I was mentally struggling how to move much faster and finish giving my daughter a bath, clean the bedroom, tidy up the beds, get the sandwich bags ready and take a bath and dress up for the office before 7:15am. I was in a rut. How do I answer such a question as simply as I could so that my eight-year-old could understand.
"Well honey, honestly I have never seen God face to face," I fumbled. "But I can talk to Him and He does not actually respond like this, I mean He does not talk back like people do when they talk." This was harder than I thought, I said to myself. "He talks to us in different ways," I added.
"Then how do you know it's Him?" she asked.
"He speaks to me through my heart, He leads me to the answer by opening my mind and helping me make the right decision." I stammered. Gosh! I flunked this one. I scolded myself. "I'm sorry honey, I'll get back to you on this one, but right now we have to rush or you might be late for school!" OMG! I cringed. 'I did not do so well there', I thought to myself.
Who are you Lord?, I blurted and looked upwards. How do I introduce you to my daughter?
This evening I frantically searched my books and looked for some answers. As I was anxiously flipping through a book I was currently reading I found one article called "Who are you Lord?" Now, what a coincidence! In the article was something from Helen Mallicot, you probably heard of her. And here is what she has to say.
“I was regretting the past and fearing the future. Suddenly my Lord was speaking:
‘My name is I AM.’
‘When you live in the past with its mistakes and regrets, it is hard. I am not there. My name is not I WAS.’
‘When you live in the future with its problems and fears, it is hard. My name is not I WILL BE.’
‘When you live in this moment, it is NOT hard. I am here. My name is I AM.’” - Helen Mallicot
I could not really explain how faith works as explicitly as I wanted to my daughter because I am still a work in progress myself. But I know that little by little I can do it. And hopefully in time she will understand and form her own opinion about the matter. And I hope that she will be touched by grace when she does.
God bless you one and all!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
It was a sunny Tuesday morning, the 19th of August in 2003.
My doctor came by my bedside to say, "Mommy we cannot let you go through another hour of labor, if the baby isn't in the right position in the next 10 minutes we have to do emergency caesarian section." My baby was lying in transverse position inside me.
Although I have been in the OR to take blood samples of patients undergoing operation, I was never been in for an operation myself. I was scared. The doctor assured me that he will have the baby out in 10 seconds flat. I was still scared. But I know I could not do it anymore, I was losing strength as well because I was in labor for 10 long hours. It was time to give in, I thought sadly. He went out to tell hubby about the possible C-section and he gave his consent.
What happened next was a blur as I can feel the anesthesia kicking in. I was rushed to the OR and in a matter of minutes I heard a baby cry. "It's a girl!" the doctor exclaimed. I was fighting to keep my eyes open as I felt I am passing out any minute, "Is she okay? All fingers and toes? Nothing missing?," I asked.
"She's perfect!" That was the last I heard before I passed out.
And indeed she is.
Time flew fast for me and now my litle girl is turning four. It seems like it only happened yesterday. When I look at her I am amazed at the things she can say and do. Kids nowadays are amazing! This little girl has showed her independence since day one. She decided when she wanted to come out and how she wanted to greet the world. As she was growing up she loves doing things by herself. She can put on her PJs at age one!
She loves to eat her own food even if she gets all messy, she'd do it over and over again until she can do it without things falling all over the place. If she wanted to reach something, she would pull up a chair so that she can reach it. She is very expressive, she verbalizes what she wants and how she wants it. She loves dollies like any other little girl but she also loves taking it apart and putting it back together again.
Her idea of a princess is someone like Mulan, a warrior and a fighter, who can survive on her own with or without prince charming. You can never fool her because she seems to know that you are just trying to pull one at her.
She can be very sweet and accommodating, but she can also be very hard to please at the same time. If she does not like what you are saying or doing, she will tell you so. Her teachers describe her as very vocal. At age three, she knows how to write her name, her sister's name and even my name without anyone teaching her how! I call her my sweetness and spice.
Happy Birthday honey! Thank you for being such a blessing and joy in my life. I love you!
“Children will not remember you for the material things you provided but for the feeling that you cherished them.” ~ Richard L. Evans
Friday, August 17, 2007
Do you remember wishing for something or someone so much that there is that dull ache in your heart that you can't seem to quench? And as the days go by, your wish still unfulfilled, you are filled with anticipation and a growing frustration while you wonder what it would take to make it happen. Will that dream ever come true?
Then you grow a little older, still wishing, still hoping. Everyday frustration is growing into anger and cynicism. It's eating your soul and it's robbing you of smiles and happy moments. All of a sudden you are transformed into this new person, cynical, hopeless, clueless, doubtful and distrustful.
You start to stay away from friends who are always happy, always smiling, always looking at the bright side of life. Unknowingly, you have turned off the light inside your soul. You have welcomed the darkness like an old friend. You are grouchy, angry and lonely.
But have you forgotten? “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” Wanting to be happy is great but wanting to be out of this misery is a giant leap! The irony is that there is no one else in this world who can make you trully happy but yourself.
We only have one life and it is our one-off chance to thank God by living this gift to the best that we can.
It's time to start over, if you're already considering trying it, then you've already taken that leap of faith. It is time to rise and shine my friends! Somebody loves you.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
“To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go” ~ Mary Oliver
I know that I can only control so much in my life so I was so determined that this weekend I will have to learn how to breathe a little and relax. It was time to shed my other roles and just be me.
My weekend started with a romantic Friday night date with hubby. We think that touching base with each other helps keep our marriage stronger. Before there was a family, there were only the two of us and our relationship is very important too.
Saturday was family day. We had a quiet stroll along the bay while watching the sun set. The cool breeze blowing in our faces while walking and holding hands with the girls, ahhh that was unforgettable. And then we heard mass at the church where hubby and I got married. It was solemn and I had the chance to thank God for a wonderful day. And then, we went shopping! Like any other girl shopping is therapeutic for me, LOL.
Then my daughters and I got really crazy and danced around the house like a banshee, to the tune of Crazy in Love by Beyonce, LOL. Not to be outdone, hubby also did a number. Overall it was a crazy and wonderful weekend...and it's not yet over, I still have the evening to look forward to. I hope you had the same wonderful and unforgettable weekend like the one I just had.
“It only takes one smile to offer welcome...and blessed be the person who will share it.
It only takes one moment to be helpful...and blessed be the person who will spare it.
It only takes one joy to lift a spirit...and blessed be the person who will give it.
It only takes one life to make a difference...and blessed be the person who will live it.” ~ Amanda Bradley
And you know, sometimes all you have to do is breathe and just let it go. dancing does not hurt too =)
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Ahhh, the weekend is starting and my mind and body has been set to autopilot. LOL. Simply put, 'the mind is willing but the body is not!' I've had quite a week and I am beginning to feel it has taken it's toll on me. I feel sooooo lethargic and all I want to do now is sleep, sleep, sleep.
Being busy at work and at home does not give me much time to appreaciate the simple pleasures of a hot cup of coffee. Sometimes I just get three big gulps of it and a quick flip through the newspaper and then I'm off to the next task at hand. Breakfast seems to be a thing of the past, while pressure and ulcers are the "in" thing.
As I was cleaning my drawer in the office a small piece of paper fell out. I picked it up and found a beautiful message inside. Something that I needed to hear this week. So I'm sharing it with you.
"The longest journey is the journey inward, for he who has chosen his destiny has started upon his quest for the source of his being." ~ Dag Hammarkskold
It further says, "We often looked to other people, places, and things for our answers and for our happiness. We thought others could free us from the pain, fear or guilt. This has never brought any permanent happiness and in the long run we have not changed.
It is time to begin to trust that small voice within, coming from the person we really are. It is time to look within and begin to uncover all that has been blocking us from our truth, from our Higher Power. It is time to discover ourselves."
Now wasn't that beautiful? I wonder who put it there? I loved it.
Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~ Henry David Thoreau
Sleep rejuvinates the body but a little contemplation revives the soul. Happy weekend everyone! =)
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
As usual my work life has been pretty hectic. All the projects and deliverables seem to be coming in all at the same time...planned and unplanned ones. My manic Mondays turned to frantic Tuesdays, unpredictable Wednesdays, colossal Thursdays and whirlwind Fridays.
I find myself twirling around like a ballerina from one meeting to another, doing this and that. I hardly have time to er smell the roses or even drink my coffee! I was feeling blue and all stressed out. No one seems to be laughing out loud in the office anymore...it's probably because of me, keeping the staff so busy they forgot to have fun anymore.
So it was so refreshing to receive an e-mail from no less than our new company President, who is incidentally from India. This guy sends inspirational e-mails to everyone in the company at least once or twice a week. And it's always been about something positive and light. One time he sent an e-mail to all of us and added a message in the bottom which says, "Do anyone of you read my e-mails? Because no one is responding to it!"
How sweet of him to ask. Of course people responded, I wanted to, but my hands were tied - so to speak. So I want to share with you one of his recent e-mails just for laughs. It may not be as funny to some, but it sure made me laugh that day that I was feeling blue. So here goes:
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
On the door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
On maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."
At an optometrists office
"If you don't see what you are looking for you've come to the right place."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
In front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
On a billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field rarely
touched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones
at this sign."
He ends the message with a quote for the week: A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity;an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
I love to laugh. I seek out people who do and make sure that every encounter with them elicits bubbles of laughter for both of us. Laughter as they say is the best medicine and just what my doctor prescribed for me today.
I do hope I made you laugh, even if it's just for a bit. I hope to write more regularly in the next few weeks. Until then, excercise those muscles and keep laughing people! it's the elixir of life.
“Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.”
Friday, August 03, 2007
Today I had the chance to do things I had wanted to do for some time now. No work, no deadlines and no tiger lady telling me to stand on my head and spin around like crazy.
After I took my youngest daughter to school this morning I had a chance to go to the salon and pamper myself. It just opened so only a couple of clients were there. I was surprised that I was the only girl-client there, they were all men! I guess men need pampering too as much as women ha ha. After I'm done there I went to my daughters' school to bring them some special lunch. My eldest was surprised to see me because it's usually my mom or the nanny who brings lunch. I felt content just looking at her munch down her favorite food and smiling at me as if I had given her a gift.
"Mommy, I wish it was you who brings my lunch over everyday", she said.
I held her cute face between my palms and gave her a big kiss and wished with all my heart that I was a stay at home mom, then I would be able to indulge her everyday.
"I wish I could too baby, let's just be thankful that we did it today", I said.
"Okay mom, love yah! I have to go back in now." she ran inside as I watched her back and wished again that I was the one doing this for them every day.
She stops and turns to look at me, smiled and then comes running back to me. "Thank you mom," she gave me a kiss and a hug.
I am so proud of my daughters, as young as they are they know how to appreciate people and they know how to love in return. I stayed at my kids school to wait for my little one who finishes classes right after my eldest has her lunch. Had a chance to talk to some of the moms there as I was secretly watching them and listening to what they were saying. Somehow I felt myself lacking in some way. They were armed with everything, extra clothes for the young ones after school, extra drinks in case they're thirsty, they fuzz around and talk to the other mommies there, comparing notes, exchanging recipes and talking about the kids, what they've done and not done. Compared to them, I felt like a man in a woman's world. I consoled myself into thinking, I am probably just a little calmer and err shy. I, sort of, felt like an outsider being a working mom amongst SAHMs.
After a few more minutes my little girl came out with all smiles. "Hi mommy, you're here to pick me up!" Stating the obvious, I could not help but laugh. She talked non-stop about what they did and then hugged me, "I wish it were you picking me up everyday!". Shush! My heart was swelling with joy. I could only wish I could do this for them all the time.
Ahhhhhh, the joys of motherhood.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Happy birthday honey! Borrowing the beautiful words from Celine's song, I just wanted to thank you...
For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
I am everything I am because you love me.
Here's a beautiful birthday song from Corrinne May I wanted you to hear.
and I love you very much!