Blur

1. 

   
   

   Most days it feels as if the world is whirling around me and I am standing still. In slow motion, I watch the colors blur; people and faces all become a massive wash. - Sarah Kay
   
   As I sit down on my bed getting ready to sleep, I shake my head in disbelief that another day has passed and I can't seem to remember the events that took place. It all seemed like a blur. And now as I am about to go to sleep yet again I started to think about the future. Uh-oh you say, don't think about things like this when you're about to go to sleep. But I can't help but wonder if the days will pass by this fast everyday, I might be 70 years old before I know it!
   
   It's been four years now since my dad died but to me it seems like yesterday when he was still here. Maybe I deliberately tried to be busy to forget the pain, maybe I was trying to forget stuff that's why I gave work my full attention; maybe I was trying to drown down the grief that was gripping me; whatever the reason, it made me stop and think that, what I was doing might not be right and healthy. Wearing myself down and being busy at work without the balance of relaxation is never good.
   
   These days it has always been about making sure that my mom was alright. That she was comfortable and never alone. We even redecorated their bedroom because she said it reminded her of my dad all the time. We bought a new bed because she said she cannot lie down there and not think of him, new side tables etc. I took it upon myself to take care of her every need, I feel so bad that she is now alone and that when all of us go to work and the kids to school she is alone at home.   
2. Fast forward, in a few months time a new life changing event is going to happen. The "big move". I have lived in our place all my life but an opportunity to live in a new place near our work presented itself - me and the hubs grabbed it! We were tired of the long commute, we usually come home so dog tired sometimes I forego dinner just to get more shut-eye. In the new place, I get to arrive home in just a quarter of an hour compared to the usual two and a half hours drive across 3 cities. 
3. This new place promises quiet and cozy days spent with the family. This new place gives my mom a new view and new places to discover and hopefully a new perspective in life.  Also, in this new place I can sleep longer and spent more quality time with the girls and do the things I want to do because I am not too tired to lift a finger. The blur that was four years of my life is suddenly getting more focused. Suddenly the picture that is my life, is getting clearer. And yeah, it's looking mighty sweet and promising.
4. As Dolly Parton put it, "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow,  you gotta put up with the rain."   Cheers to the blur that now cleared it's path to show a silver lining and of course, to new beginnings!

Someday, Somewhere

I wrote a father's day post way back in 2008 thanking my dad for all his love and patience and this is his reply to it.

It could have been an empty life without you child. A time is coming when I could only walk with you in silence clothed in the veils of the night i could only whisper the words I LOVE YOU by the breath of the winds that touches your ears. I will always be with you for I will never leave you. Now while I can I say....I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

I guess it came.

That day when he can only walk with me in silence and would whisper the words I Love You by the breath of the winds touching my ear.

My dad died 24 days ago, I can not even begin to process that those were the number of days that had passed already, it seemed like it was only yesterday.

This is the first Christmas that we won't spend it together. I have thought of writing my feelings for many days now but I couldn't find the courage to. I am not sure if I can even finish this post successfully without tears clouding my eyes. So far so good.

I would like to think that I was part of my dad's best days and vice versa. I was there for my dad in his best and in the bad ones. I was blessed to spend the last years, months and days with him, fully celebrating life as best as we could. I was able to talk to him - a lot, confide in him my fears and problems and debated with him on how to solve it. I argued and laughed with him - he was a very good friend.

I was also given the privilege to show him some of his many first experiences - like going to Starbucks and choosing his first latte. I was the one who encouraged him to become a blogger! And the most important of all, for me, I was able to let him know every day, how much I loved him.

I just wish...we had more time together. But I know that he is in a better place now. A place he longed to come home to for many years, I just realized that these past few weeks. I will always wish to have him beside me, there will be days that I will need him to comfort me.  There will be days where I would want to tell him what happened to my day. There will be days I wished he was there to hold my hand and hold me tight. But for now, I would have to grit my teeth and bear it. Someday, somewhere we will be together again.

Thank you dad, for the wonderful years we had together. You were more than a dad, you were a friend, a mentor...a soul mate. While I miss you so much, I am more thankful that you were granted the grace of dying in your sleep and waking up in heaven. I love you so much! Until we meet again. Here's a link to my dad's favorite song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAu3a7CMA84

Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, 

And never brought to mind? 

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, 

And auld lang syne

Watched the movie New Year's Eve and that song stuck when Lea Michele sang it in the movie.

As I was cleaning the house yesterday afternoon I went over the past year like I always do during the new year. I lost two of my dear aunts in the first two months of the year, my eldest graduated high school in March. She went to college a few months after. My mom fell down and had concussion that scared us all and my dad was hospitalized for 2 days and I stayed with him. So many things happening in between. We also decided to buy a new property near work as traffic in Manila was getting from worst to ridiculously hateful. I was also given another team to handle and a big undertaking at work to pull together. Phew! 

On the family-side of things, I make an effort to spend as much of my free time with the family as I can. Losing my dear aunts earlier last year made me realize that spending time with my parents and making them feel loved is one of my top priorities...life is indeed too short. Reflecting on the year that was, aside from the sad beginning of the year it was overall not very bad, it was a year that I felt I worked the hardest but felt good about it. It was also a year that my husband and I made serious decisions about our future. We made several decisions on how we want to go forward with the family and how we wanted the future to look like. I think it was a year that I felt grown-up the most LOL!

I stopped making new year's resolution long ago. I set goals now instead and I try my best to achieve each one. As one gets older I guess we learn to pick out which battles we want to tackle, which ones we can miss out on and still survive.  

As for me, I cherish each day as much as I could. I begin the day whispering to God how thankful I am for a new day He gave me to start over, I scoot over to cuddle and get my morning dose of hugs and kisses from the love of my life - this is  a requirement before I head off to cook breakfast. I also make a pitstop to the girls' room to kiss their sleepyheads and say "I love you". And just like that I have energy to face another day of my life.

Like all new years that passed I look forward to what life has in store for me and my family. I believe, like the child I was before, that good and happier times are yet to come. 

From my family to yours, cheers to a New Year my dear friends! 

Pause for Life

A perfect moment.  

Me, alone in a coffee shop with a hot latte and my laptop.

Waiting for my ride home.

…an opportunity to write something.

Well, there is no excuse for it really, I haven’t written in ages! So much has happened. Life, work and family, not necessarily in that order. Well, most of the time jumbled together. So many stories screaming in my head, sometimes they even come to life, asking me, begging me even….to write about it.

You see what I have become? Whilst I was away from Bloggerville your friend has turned into a drama queen, hehehe. Well, not really...not yet that is.

My last post was about my daughters growing up very fast, I was stunned at that pace time flew. Yesterday I was just coming off from a late Sunday afternoon slumber, now I am sitting here in Starbucks sipping coffee and celebrating Friday! Whew, don't you sometimes feel that you are being cheated by Mister Sandman? Don't you sometimes feel that while you sleep, he is secretly turning the hands of the time faster than it should tick? Hmmm, you agree with me right? It's a conspiracy theory that I share with a lot of moms, well I guess not just moms, dads too and maybe everybody who has been busy with their businesses and their lives.


I often wish, like I always do, that there is enough time...time to do the things I love. Time to stop and pause. Pause. Now there's a nice word.


I just came off from a three day workshop about the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I think those were three days well spent. We were taught that "pausing" is one way for people to go inwards and think about what they really want, revive their hope and dreams. Think of the big rocks and reorganizing them in one's life. There are times when I wonder if I have positioned my big rocks correctly.  


Today I paused...I looked. Today I see my big rocks...my husband, my daughters, my parents, my family, a new house, travel plans and a job I love doing.


I may have placed my big rocks correctly after all.

Where Did the Time Go?

It has been more than a year since my last post. Blogging seemed a distant dream to me lately, but I finally found the time to visit my old place. Looking around felt like I left the place long enough for cobwebs to take over. For the past year I was only able to post one.  I hope I can liven it up a bit soon.

What have I been doing with my life? Well believe it or not, I have been doing what I have always dreamed of becoming...a hands-on mother. Look at my babies, they are all grown up! Day in and day out when I wake up they get bigger and bigger and now, I am the smallest one in the family. Being away did give me time to pick up the pieces, learning how to live without househelp and thriving in my career. Learning to do things on my own, cooking, cleaning the house, making sure all is in place, taking care of the kids and keeping my husband happy. I didn't know I could do it, I didn't think I could survive...but I did...we did, helping each other.

My eldest daughter Pia is graduating high school next year.  She's going to college! Even I could not wrap my head around the idea.  I have been talking to her a lot lately, coaching her about life, telling her how things are outside, trying my best to arm her with information. Sigh, trying my best to make her ready to face life. How do you life-proof your child, anyways?

 

 Each day when I talk to my kids our conversations go on different levels. I miss the days where they would hang around me, clinging to me and seemed to demand my every attention. Now it's my turn to be clingy. When I get home, they are busy doing their own thing, talking to friends, reading, doing stuff. I guess they are really grown up now... I must learn to accept the fact. For the longest time I comb my daughters' hair, fixing them up for school and when we go out...when I try to do that now, they say, "I can do it Mom." I always forget that they have their own style now, their own way of doing things. So this is how my mom felt when I told her I can do things on my own and didn't need her help. I didn't know how those words had the power to pinch a mother's heart. I sure felt mine flinch a bit.

 

This is life. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for it. Thankful for the time I spend with the kids, thankful that I can give them motherly love, thankful that I get to hug them and kiss them and watch them grow up. I am thankful that I can serve them in my own way. I am honored to get front row seats to watch them blossom into the person they were meant to become. I tell my kids, that we come around this place only once, we have to leave the world a much better place than we first found it. I hope I can do that in my own little way.

Glad to be back with a post in Bloggerville.

 

New Beginnings

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.”
― Edith Lovejoy Pierce

 

It's been 13 days since the New Year started and yet I still feel expectant that new things await me and my family. That quote from Edith Pierce really made a mark when I first heard it...I hope to write a better story of my life this year.

 

Just now I found a rare moment to write, it's been such a long time since I last wrote something and I often wished that I could do so much more often. But I don't regret the moments I've been away, I've discovered a lot and experienced a lot of things about life whilst I was away from Bloggerville.

 

First of the many changes, I don't have a nanny anymore, the kids are big now one teenager and my little one is not so little anymore at age 9. I've discovered that having a nanny does have ups and downs, most of the downs I can live without and the ups I've discovered I can do myself. For example I now don't have that fear that they might leave me at the first sign of dissatisfaction. I control my home and don't have to ride that emotional rollercoaster that usually comes when a trusted nanny leaves the house. Second, I now cook...a lot! I found myself researching recipes and trying them out. My little girl I've discovered loved helping me out, that gives me special bonding time with her.  Third, since I now work on my kitchen a lot, I've discovered it's potentials, so I had it renovated just before Christmas and now it looks gorgeous and inspires me to cook hearty foods each day.

 

My family time got a significant boost in 2012 and I plan to keep it up in the coming years. It keeps me excited to wake up each day. To personally take care of my family each moment. Although it entails some sacrifices, waking up early everyday. I have also learned to be grateful for all the blessings that I receive each day, whether big and small. By being thankful, I realized that God has provided me with so much and I oftentimes overlooked it before.

 

To all my friends in Bloggerville I wish you time, hope and love this new year. I hope to read from your pages the whole year through. Never stop writing.

 

I want to end this post with I quote from the movie "New Year's Eve" which I liked dearly - "Sometimes it feels like there are so many things we can't control, earthquakes, floods, reality shows. But it's important to remember the things we can, like forgiveness, second chances, fresh starts. Because the one thing that turns the world from a lonely place to a beautiful place, is love. Love in any of its forms. Love gives us hope, hope for the New Year. That's New Year's Eve to me. Hope, and a great party."

Here's a toast to the NEW YEAR!

 

 

Defining Me (a repost)

Today is my birthday and I wanted to write something relevant. I went through my old articles and found this; I couldn't have written anything more for today.

The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous! ~ Carrie Bradshaw

Another year older... and wiser, I hope. When I was much younger I thought when I grow old I would know who I really am and who I am meant to be. Little did I know then that each part of my life, my birth, my childhood and everything in between are moments meant to happen to make me the person that I am now. Every second, every event, every choice, every word, every move, every feeling is a definition of me.

When I am asked to describe myself, I often fumble at my answer. It's not that I don't know my description but I sometimes hesitate and wonder if the person asking wanted a physical description of myself or who I am as a person. I had noticed that when one is much younger, we define ourselves more on our physical attributes. Is she tall or short? Is she thin or on the chubby side? Does she have long straight hair or short and curly?

I noticed that I have matured when I started to see people as persons with feelings and character. We are often deceived by the physical that we sometimes miss to see the person behind the beautiful face.

I often wondered if I were not a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister or a friend who would I be? These are only roles that I carry out each day and there are so much more that I can do and become depending on what the event calls for.

Of all my roles being a mother is probably the most versatile. I get to play so many characters in a day, sometimes even within minutes. I can become a teacher, a healer, a friend, a playmate, a comforter, a superhero and sometimes a villain, a cook, a storyteller, a fashion consultant, head coach, a tour guide, a shopping guru, the book of knowledge and sometimes a dictionary and much much more.

I love those roles. It's something I want to be good at each day of my life.

I know I am still a work in progress. Each day a new me is born. I hope each one gets better and better and more and more the me that my Lord planned for me to become.

Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Dare to Live the Dream

"No dreamer is ever too small; no dream is ever too big."

I grew up in a home where dreams were encouraged. I may have brought along the dreamer in me as I was growing up. I also learned that the way a person looks at dreams also mature with them. The younger me would have thrived in waiting for things to happen, content in just feeling good when other people achieved theirs and wishing...wishing very hard that mine would come true, one day.

As I was growing old, I kept dreaming of a better place, a better life, a better me. Each morning I wake up and ask myself, is this the life I am meant to live? And each time my heart would say no, there must be something more, much much more than what is right now.

It's not that I was disappointed with the kind of life I have. Oddly, it took very little to make me very happy. But there was this small piece of me that says I could make things even better, that I could raise the bar another notch. So I went through life searching for this. This something that would add meaning to my life.

At a very young age I learned that money does not make the world go round, sure it could jazz it up a bit, but the real ticker, my mother taught me, was love and family. If you had that, wow, you were rich, rich in what mattered most in life. No matter how fat your paycheck may be at the end of the day if you have no one to share it with, it didn't really matter much. That lesson, I kept close to my heart.

And so today, I want to share with you some tidbits I learned along the way.
1. Life doesn't stop when you reached a certain point in your life; like marriage, having kids, or getting a promotion. Make these experiences your wings, to soar higher, to share more of yourself, to give some back.

2. For my married friends, having a family shouldn't be an excuse to stop dreaming. Dreams are for everyone. Get one and make it come true.

3. Don't be too hard on yourself when you make mistakes. Smile, relax and most of all learn to laugh at yourself. Stand up and get back on your feet again, this time you know better.

4. Always give back to life the blessings you have received. Don't be afraid to share. There is more where it came from, much much more.

5. Don't feel guilty when you sometimes just want to sleep all day and do just nothing. You work very hard, you deserve the break. And sleep helps you regroup, regain your strength and allows you to dream some more.

6. Despite your busy schedule, always schedule time to call or visit your mom and dad. Remember, when you were younger, you were their world...and they never stopped thinking that, even if they already have grandchildren. Give back the time and love they showered you then. Your love and time may mean more than you think.

7. Take time out to take care of yourself. By doing that you can give more and be more to others.

8. Hugs will never be out of fashion. Hoard it, store, get it at every opportunity. We need loads of these no matter what age we are in. I am guilty of hoarding every chance I get... it is an elixir that cannot be found anywhere.

9. Respect other's opinions, although it sometimes differ from yours. You may be surprised to learn something new by just listening.

10. Love with abandon, never hold anything back. The chance may not present itself again. Don't let fear hold you back. So what if it's not reciprocated, it is yours to give. Enjoy each moment, seize every opportunity. Time could be a friend if you use it wisely.

I realized I have learned so much the days I was away. Although I loved to write about my life, I also learned that I must live it first before I could write much more.

I miss all my blogger friends. I hope to read about your life more each day too. Have a blessed 2012.