- Most days it feels as if the world is whirling around me and I am standing still. In slow motion, I watch the colors blur; people and faces all become a massive wash. - Sarah Kay
As I sit down on my bed getting ready to sleep, I shake my head in disbelief that another day has passed and I can't seem to remember the events that took place. It all seemed like a blur. And now as I am about to go to sleep yet again I started to think about the future. Uh-oh you say, don't think about things like this when you're about to go to sleep. But I can't help but wonder if the days will pass by this fast everyday, I might be 70 years old before I know it!
It's been four years now since my dad died but to me it seems like yesterday when he was still here. Maybe I deliberately tried to be busy to forget the pain, maybe I was trying to forget stuff that's why I gave work my full attention; maybe I was trying to drown down the grief that was gripping me; whatever the reason, it made me stop and think that, what I was doing might not be right and healthy. Wearing myself down and being busy at work without the balance of relaxation is never good.
These days it has always been about making sure that my mom was alright. That she was comfortable and never alone. We even redecorated their bedroom because she said it reminded her of my dad all the time. We bought a new bed because she said she cannot lie down there and not think of him, new side tables etc. I took it upon myself to take care of her every need, I feel so bad that she is now alone and that when all of us go to work and the kids to school she is alone at home. - Fast forward, in a few months time a new life changing event is going to happen. The "big move". I have lived in our place all my life but an opportunity to live in a new place near our work presented itself - me and the hubs grabbed it! We were tired of the long commute, we usually come home so dog tired sometimes I forego dinner just to get more shut-eye. In the new place, I get to arrive home in just a quarter of an hour compared to the usual two and a half hours drive across 3 cities.
- This new place promises quiet and cozy days spent with the family. This new place gives my mom a new view and new places to discover and hopefully a new perspective in life. Also, in this new place I can sleep longer and spent more quality time with the girls and do the things I want to do because I am not too tired to lift a finger. The blur that was four years of my life is suddenly getting more focused. Suddenly the picture that is my life, is getting clearer. And yeah, it's looking mighty sweet and promising.
- As Dolly Parton put it, "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." Cheers to the blur that now cleared it's path to show a silver lining and of course, to new beginnings!
Life is what you make it...
Friday, February 14, 2020
Blur
Monday, December 26, 2016
Someday, Somewhere
It could have been an empty life without you child. A time is coming when I could only walk with you in silence clothed in the veils of the night i could only whisper the words I LOVE YOU by the breath of the winds that touches your ears. I will always be with you for I will never leave you. Now while I can I say....I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.I guess it came.
That day when he can only walk with me in silence and would whisper the words I Love You by the breath of the winds touching my ear.
My dad died 24 days ago, I can not even begin to process that those were the number of days that had passed already, it seemed like it was only yesterday.
This is the first Christmas that we won't spend it together. I have thought of writing my feelings for many days now but I couldn't find the courage to. I am not sure if I can even finish this post successfully without tears clouding my eyes. So far so good.
I would like to think that I was part of my dad's best days and vice versa. I was there for my dad in his best and in the bad ones. I was blessed to spend the last years, months and days with him, fully celebrating life as best as we could. I was able to talk to him - a lot, confide in him my fears and problems and debated with him on how to solve it. I argued and laughed with him - he was a very good friend.
I was also given the privilege to show him some of his many first experiences - like going to Starbucks and choosing his first latte. I was the one who encouraged him to become a blogger! And the most important of all, for me, I was able to let him know every day, how much I loved him.
I just wish...we had more time together. But I know that he is in a better place now. A place he longed to come home to for many years, I just realized that these past few weeks. I will always wish to have him beside me, there will be days that I will need him to comfort me. There will be days where I would want to tell him what happened to my day. There will be days I wished he was there to hold my hand and hold me tight. But for now, I would have to grit my teeth and bear it. Someday, somewhere we will be together again.
Thank you dad, for the wonderful years we had together. You were more than a dad, you were a friend, a mentor...a soul mate. While I miss you so much, I am more thankful that you were granted the grace of dying in your sleep and waking up in heaven. I love you so much! Until we meet again. Here's a link to my dad's favorite song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAu3a7CMA84
Sunday, January 03, 2016
Auld Lang Syne
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Pause for Life
I often wish, like I always do, that there is enough time...time to do the things I love. Time to stop and pause. Pause. Now there's a nice word.
I just came off from a three day workshop about the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I think those were three days well spent. We were taught that "pausing" is one way for people to go inwards and think about what they really want, revive their hope and dreams. Think of the big rocks and reorganizing them in one's life. There are times when I wonder if I have positioned my big rocks correctly.
Today I paused...I looked. Today I see my big rocks...my husband, my daughters, my parents, my family, a new house, travel plans and a job I love doing.
I may have placed my big rocks correctly after all.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Where Did the Time Go?
Glad to be back with a post in Bloggerville.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
New Beginnings
“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.”
― Edith Lovejoy Pierce
Monday, August 27, 2012
Defining Me (a repost)
The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous! ~ Carrie Bradshaw
Another year older... and wiser, I hope. When I was much younger I thought when I grow old I would know who I really am and who I am meant to be. Little did I know then that each part of my life, my birth, my childhood and everything in between are moments meant to happen to make me the person that I am now. Every second, every event, every choice, every word, every move, every feeling is a definition of me.
When I am asked to describe myself, I often fumble at my answer. It's not that I don't know my description but I sometimes hesitate and wonder if the person asking wanted a physical description of myself or who I am as a person. I had noticed that when one is much younger, we define ourselves more on our physical attributes. Is she tall or short? Is she thin or on the chubby side? Does she have long straight hair or short and curly?
I noticed that I have matured when I started to see people as persons with feelings and character. We are often deceived by the physical that we sometimes miss to see the person behind the beautiful face.
I often wondered if I were not a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister or a friend who would I be? These are only roles that I carry out each day and there are so much more that I can do and become depending on what the event calls for.
Of all my roles being a mother is probably the most versatile. I get to play so many characters in a day, sometimes even within minutes. I can become a teacher, a healer, a friend, a playmate, a comforter, a superhero and sometimes a villain, a cook, a storyteller, a fashion consultant, head coach, a tour guide, a shopping guru, the book of knowledge and sometimes a dictionary and much much more.
I love those roles. It's something I want to be good at each day of my life.
I know I am still a work in progress. Each day a new me is born. I hope each one gets better and better and more and more the me that my Lord planned for me to become.
Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Dare to Live the Dream
"No dreamer is ever too small; no dream is ever too big."
I grew up in a home where dreams were encouraged. I may have brought along the dreamer in me as I was growing up. I also learned that the way a person looks at dreams also mature with them. The younger me would have thrived in waiting for things to happen, content in just feeling good when other people achieved theirs and wishing...wishing very hard that mine would come true, one day.
As I was growing old, I kept dreaming of a better place, a better life, a better me. Each morning I wake up and ask myself, is this the life I am meant to live? And each time my heart would say no, there must be something more, much much more than what is right now.
It's not that I was disappointed with the kind of life I have. Oddly, it took very little to make me very happy. But there was this small piece of me that says I could make things even better, that I could raise the bar another notch. So I went through life searching for this. This something that would add meaning to my life.
At a very young age I learned that money does not make the world go round, sure it could jazz it up a bit, but the real ticker, my mother taught me, was love and family. If you had that, wow, you were rich, rich in what mattered most in life. No matter how fat your paycheck may be at the end of the day if you have no one to share it with, it didn't really matter much. That lesson, I kept close to my heart.
And so today, I want to share with you some tidbits I learned along the way.
1. Life doesn't stop when you reached a certain point in your life; like marriage, having kids, or getting a promotion. Make these experiences your wings, to soar higher, to share more of yourself, to give some back.
2. For my married friends, having a family shouldn't be an excuse to stop dreaming. Dreams are for everyone. Get one and make it come true.
3. Don't be too hard on yourself when you make mistakes. Smile, relax and most of all learn to laugh at yourself. Stand up and get back on your feet again, this time you know better.
4. Always give back to life the blessings you have received. Don't be afraid to share. There is more where it came from, much much more.
5. Don't feel guilty when you sometimes just want to sleep all day and do just nothing. You work very hard, you deserve the break. And sleep helps you regroup, regain your strength and allows you to dream some more.
6. Despite your busy schedule, always schedule time to call or visit your mom and dad. Remember, when you were younger, you were their world...and they never stopped thinking that, even if they already have grandchildren. Give back the time and love they showered you then. Your love and time may mean more than you think.
7. Take time out to take care of yourself. By doing that you can give more and be more to others.
8. Hugs will never be out of fashion. Hoard it, store, get it at every opportunity. We need loads of these no matter what age we are in. I am guilty of hoarding every chance I get... it is an elixir that cannot be found anywhere.
9. Respect other's opinions, although it sometimes differ from yours. You may be surprised to learn something new by just listening.
10. Love with abandon, never hold anything back. The chance may not present itself again. Don't let fear hold you back. So what if it's not reciprocated, it is yours to give. Enjoy each moment, seize every opportunity. Time could be a friend if you use it wisely.
I realized I have learned so much the days I was away. Although I loved to write about my life, I also learned that I must live it first before I could write much more.
I miss all my blogger friends. I hope to read about your life more each day too. Have a blessed 2012.